Shane's blog

Marriage

My daughter got married yesterday. Not her best idea but one she will have to live with for a very long time. I'm a believer that once you're married, you are stuck like glue to that person. I also only believe in being married once in your life. I got married once, ok, I'm done. That's not to say I don't think I shouldn't marry Debbie (my "wife"). I probably should have married her years ago. I'm just afraid to do it again. My first wife died. I'm not saying every wife I would have will die too, just that the thought of that much pain is unbearable. I will miss Debbie if she dies. I will cry a LOT of tears. I may even crawl in a bottle for a while. I don't think I'll die like I did when Ethelyn died. I don't know how it's different but it is. I don't Love Debbie any less than I do Ethelyn. My Love for her is different in some way tho. I watched my mother screw up three marriages. The third she had a LOT of help screwing up tho. I always swore I would not do like she did. She cheated, lied, conived, and was a total nut job. After watching how the marriages in my life were I had no interest in ever going there. My great grandparents had the best marriage I ever saw but I saw more bad than good so I lost interest in that sort of thing. Then I met Ethelyn. I HAD to marry her. Don't ask me why, I have NO idea. I never thought about it before her. I have dreaded the thought of it ever since she died too. Debbie deserves to be married but I just don't think I can do it again. I haven't been able to yet. Call me whatever you like but I don't think I ever will. My daughter's marriage is going to be hard for her especially since he is an unmedicated bipolar person that can't keep a job very long at a time. My mother was unmedicated and bipolar so you see what my visions are like. I want happiness for my kids but I don't see that in my daughter's future for too much longer. Unfortunately I see a lot of pain and weariness in her future. I know that all I can do is be there for her when it all blows apart. We can't live our kids' lives for them but it hurts when we have to watch their mistakes catch up to them and teach them the hard lessons.

My Family & Relatives

Blood doesn't make a family. Blood only makes relatives. I have plenty of relatives but most of them couldn't give a shit about me. That's where family comes in. My family is composed of all the friends I have and a couple of my relatives that I have interested over the years. Most of my relatives lost touch with my sister, mom, and me a long time ago because we moved away from their neck of the woods. They all lived in Illinois and my stepdad lived in Missouri. They all felt this was a bad move so in anger they quit associating with us. When we would go visit on special occasions, we knew they disapproved because very few of them ever talked to us. When my stepdad died my mother married an asshole. He got the idea to move back to IL so we did. Then he threw me out and I went back to MO. While in IL I had occasion to associate with some relatives and it was about the same as before so I kind of quit trying. My mother is finally back in most of their good graces while I couldn't give a shit either way. I live in IL now but far enough away that I don't have to deal with any of them, including my mother and sister. My nephews and niece are kind of pointless so I don't deal with them much either. My family actually lives in quite a few states around the country. I have "sisters" in NY, SC, FL, MI, LA, and "brothers" and "sisters" in MO. I've also have lots of kids. I can't say enough about being able to actually pick your family. Having blood relatives is nice if they're a family but it's not important if you have Love between friends. I grew up with most of my family in MO. The sisters I have in other states I met online. I wouldn't trade any of them for the world. Being able to pick your family is great because they are totally irreplaceable. They Love you no matter how you screw up and they tell you to your face when you do. I'll end this now because I was on a roll but I got interupted. No biggy, it was worth it. My Lovely Deb got up and wanted her time on the computer in the living room.

Babies

I have wanted a baby of my very own since I was 7 yrs old. My sister used to babysit a baby and I got to help. I fell in love with the little people right away. I love everything about them. The 3 AM feedings, the dirty diapers, the collic, the toes, the little hands, even the crying. I have had the opportunity to be around a few babies in my life. When I was 16 I had a girlfriend that adopted a baby named Amber. She was addicted to cocaine at birth. She was a hard baby to get to go to sleep, eat or even go to the bathroom. I spent hours rocking her in a straightback chair. I walked the floor for night after night. I did everything for her except bathe her or change her diapers. It's not that I couldn't, I just had some serious ideas on who takes care of that sort of thing for a little girl. I think I might have seen her naked about 6 times in all the 1 1/2 years I was around her. That's just not proper for a 16 year old young man to be doing. I was the only one that could get her to calm down, eat or sleep for about 6 months. She finally got used to her mother. In the end all the properness didn't matter a bit. Somebody had molested her and I was blamed because I was technically the only man in her life. I think her mother's stepfather did it but I couldn't prove anything so I was told either I move out and never see her again or she would become a ward of the state. I couldn't do that to her so I kissed her goodbye and left. It still kills my heart to think about it. I haven't seen her or even heard anything about her in too many years. I was around my nephews and niece when they were little too but I did everything I could not to get too attached so I wouldn't hurt like I did with Amber ever again.

I have a few new babies getting ready to come into my life now. Three of my daughters, 2 adoptees and one Deb's, are pregnant. They will be having their bundles around the same time too. Don't you know grandpa is excited. I'm making my daughter that lives with me move out before the baby comes tho. She's not an adult yet, even at 21. She has to have this opportunity to grow up and be a real responsible adult. She's getting married on Monday the 26th of July to the person that got her pregnant. I seriously don't approve of him but I will accept him because she is my daughter. He's an unmedicated bipolar and can't hold a job for long enough to get insurance to get on meds. He also acts like he doesn't want to be a part of my family. He only wants my daughter and to not deal with Deb and me ever. Too fuckin bad tho, she's a momma's girl. I know I wont get to see the other 2 very often but I'm excited anyway. If for no other reason than for my girls and their hubbies. I'm with Deb so me having a baby of my own is really not a possibility anymore. She's 51 this year and that kind of precludes her from having any more. I'm a stepdad. I say stepdad instead of stepfather because stepfathers have such bad reputations and I don't think I've ever treated my kids bad enough to earn that. I try to guide, teach, help and just all around be there for my kids. I've got 6 stepkids. There's Keith, the oldest at 32, Josephine at 24, Andrea (Fred) at 23, DJ at 22, Rhonda at 21, and William at 19. Keith is a very good man. He has 2 daughters of his own. I know I had nothing to do with his raising but I can still be proud of him. I want to say that no matter what I Love ALL of my kids. Josie doesn't want anything to do with me so I don't know much about how she's turned out. She has her biofather now and is evidently happy with that. Fred Loves me plenty for all my kids lol. She always has. She's turned into a great young lady. She's smart, industrious, and very much a smartass like her dad. The only thing that drives me nuts about my girls is their choices in men. None of them found a guy like dear old dad. Oh well. DJ is a compulsive liar. He gets that from his father and uncle. He and Josie and Fred were taken away from me at the ages of 12,13 and 14. After their mother died, I was a total wreck. I could have taken care of them just fine but her family had money that I didn't and lied their asses off to get them away from me so that's where that ended up. I'm proud of them as much as any biofather would be and I Love them more than I could ever express in words. Rhonda is 21 and spends most of her days in bed sleeping. She has never really accepted me as far as I've seen. I Love her but I can't make her Love me back. She's getting ready to have a daughter of her own and I hope she realizes that growing up is the only way to deal with that fact. She's had a couple of jobs and can work but is not very enthusiastic about the prospect. She's not very good with money either. Her soon-to-be-hubby is about the same as she in both respects. William is an industrious guy. He works for his girlfriend's parents on weekends at a restaurant washing dishes and running in the kitchen. He's learning plenty but he needs another job so he can get a real idea how the job world really is. He is argumentative, stubborn, intelligent, and thinks the world should accomodate him, he's also just young. I Love him no matter how bad I want to smack him sometimes. Those are my stepkids. I have a lot of adoptees tho, they all adopted me. I'm Dad to a lot of kids that go home to different parents every night. I have always been this kind of person. I atract kids like flies to honey. It's my unconditional Love for them all that does it. I don't know what happened with Josie and Rhonda. All I can do is keep trying tho. I may never have the one thing I have wanted since I was 7 but I will have kids around me for the rest of my life. This I KNOW.

Cheating

I have been around for 40 years now and I've seen all kinds of people cheat on their spouces and girl/boy friends. I still don't understand the attraction of it. When I was young, I had plenty of girlfriends that I thought were the total shit. I held true to the notion that I should be their one and only. I also held true to my priciples that nobody deserves to have their heart broken because of cheating. My very first girlfriend got drunk and screwed my best friend. I was devestated. I had no idea how to deal with such a thing. I never had a relatiuonship before so I didn't understand why she did it. She said it was because she was drunk and he talked her into it. If she was truly mine then how could he talk her into it? What's mine is mine and I don't share. That swinging bullshit is for people that can't handle monogamy. I can handle it. When I was 20 and found Ethelyn, I forgot there were even other women on the planet. She was my everything. I was also her's. We never got any ideas on having someone else. I've had girlfriend after girlfriend cheat on me. I never understood why. One cheated because of alcohol, or so she said. One cheated for drugs. One cheated because she was paying a debt to the exboyfriend to get him off her back about money. One cheated because she believed everybody else in her life that I was too old for her. One cheated because she felt I was suffocating her. Ok so WTF? All these excuses mean nothing to me. If I got drunk, I went home to get laid. If I felt suffocated, I broke up with her. I never felt a need to screw my dealer to get drugs. I don't think he would've done it anyway. I believe age is just a number if you love somebody. Money is not important enough to sacrifice your principles. My father cheated on my mother. My mother cheated on every man she was ever involved with. My father even cheated on my stepmother so much that they got a divorce so they could both go sleep with other people. But they never moved in with any of them. They just stayed together and screwed around. WTF? The divorce was ok with me but to continue living with each other and acting like a couple is just stupid if you ask me. They both feel they're too old to cheat now thankfully. My mother divorced my last stepfather but now feels sex is obsolete. She has nobody to cheat on thankfully. If I was unhappy in my relationship, I just moved on. Why bother hurting someone if you don't have to? The reason I chose this topic today is that one of my kids is going thru a very hard time with a cheating girlfriend. She says that she loves him in order to keep the money and house he provides but then goes out and screws every other guy in her phonebook. And her phone is full of guys. His mother was, and probably still is, a lying, cheating slut. She screwed anything that could get hard the whole time she was married to his father. He was a trucker, that was her excuse. My son is now broken hearted every day because of this bullshit but there's nothing I can do about it because it's his life. He has to learn all the lessons, no matter how hard, on his own. I have talked till I'm blue in the face about his problem but to no avail. He loooooves her. BULLSHIT! He's addicted to her. She will continue cheating and he will continue letting her break his heart until he finally pulls his head out of his ass. I will never cheat. I still see no reason to hurt anybody if I can help it.If you're unhappy in your relationship, leave it dammit!

Kids

Why do we have kids? I'm told it's because they are necessary to continue the species. And because they give all their love. BULLSHIT! These kids have no respect for anyone. They spend money like it was free. They expect everything they want and if you don't give it to them they throw fits like 5 year olds. I've never had kids of my own. I've ended up raising other people's kids. Why? Because I love kids. I have wanted them for so long that I don't care who's kids I get as long as they love me back. Yea right! These kids don't love anybody but each other, sometimes, and themselves. They're selfish, selfcentered, unkind, uncaring, disrespectful, hateful, bitchy, ungrateful, and down right rotten most of the time. I have don't nothing to deserve the attitudes I get. Some people say it's because they're teenagers. Bullshit! I was a teenager. I didn't trust many people but then again, I was thrown out on the streets at the age of 16. I still treated my mother with love if not respect. My stepfather was the worst kind of asshole. He was the one that threw me out. He came into my life right after my first stepdad died. This asshole figured he'd just come in and run my life for me and when I didn't appreciate his interference with my goals and standards, he threw me out of "his" house. My mother got a lot of respect lost because she just sat there and watched as all this went on. I haven't treated these kids that way. I respected their goals. I tried to help them obtain what they wanted out of life. I didn't give them everything they wanted because usually I didn't have it to give but I tried to accomodate their needs. I gave them love and respect as much as I got. The first group of stepkids I got were very young when I got them. I was a bad parent in the beginning. I know this and I tried to make up for it after I discovered how bad I was. Two of the kids figured I was trying and loved me in spite of myself. The oldest figured I wasn't worth her time so she dispises me to this day. The next group were older and thought I was interfering in their lives and taking their place in their mom's life. The youngest found out better but the older seems to think of me as a great money machine when I have it to give or just a lousy person when I don't give her her way. Sure I say no. I have to in order to give them the boundries they need to get the idea that life isn't all about them and what they want. I wasn't always respectful. I wasn't always kind. I wasn't even always right but I tried to apologize when I screwed up. What did I get in return for love and trying to be a good parent? The afore mentioned attitudes. Did I deserve the attitudes? I hope not. I just would like these kids, my kids, to try and treat me with the same love that I give them every day. My older daughter does nice things for me usually when she thinks it will get something out of me that she wants. Sometimes there is no alterior motive but that is so few and far between I don't think about those times much, no matter how hard I try. Trying to always see the good in them is hard when all you get is the bad thrown in your face all the time. Besides, only one of them is still a teenager and he acts more mature than his older sibling. I have always told my kids that it's their choice what they wanted to call me, dad or Shane. My youngest chose dad. My older daughter chose Shane. Fine, I have no problem with that if it still entales being respectful of the name. Nope. She gives me nothing but contempt most of the time. It seems like her choosing not to call me by the title of dad gives her the idea that I'm not the man in her life that loves her most and wants the best for her. I have never given her that idea in anything I've ever done or said to her. I don't like all her choices but I do try to respect them as her right to choose them. She has rarely talked to me in a civil tongue unless she wants something. Then it's usually, "I looooove you, gimme". I know I've bitched a lot about them but I DO love them as much as if they were my own children. Why should I be treated less than any other parent?

Blogging

I haven't blogged in a while. I know it's because I'm a lazybutt but I know I need to start back to it. I started blogging because a friend suggested I try it. Of course it was a woman. I tend to do a LOT of things women suggest lol. I got a computer because a woman suggested it. Now I'm using it every day for all kinds of life issues. I spend more time online than I do anything else in my life. I am disabled so I really can't have much of a life outside of my house. No money prevents being able to do much. The free stuff you can do gets kind of old after a while. I'm a social person but there really isn't a lot of people I want to hang out with in my area. That's not to say I don't go visiting once in a while but I'm usually home online. I visit with friends online a lot. I know a lot of people out there in a lot of states. All are a type of family to me. They all represent a time when I've needed someone and they came to my rescue. I've learned quite a bit online too. I have a tendency to revert to chatspeak when I type. It drives My Deb nuts sometimes. She can read it but she prefers not to have to. We spend time online chatting as well. I met her in an AOhelL chat room a little over 9 years ago. We've been together longer than my first wife and I were. My Ethelyn died tho or we'd have been together almost 20 years now. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her but my life can't stop from grief. My Deb and I use yahoo a lot because I like being in our bedroom while she likes being out in the living room. We have several computers so that makes it easier for us. She likes chatting with me almost as much as I like chatting with her. We talk about a lot of things on here. We even fight online lol. It makes it easier when you have to type out a fight because it doesn't last as long. You can't get really into caps lock for very long before your eyes start messing up on you lol. Plus, arguing online means you have to rethink everything you plan on saying so you don't say things you don't mean unless you can type really fast. Following your brain thru an argument online is hard to do so we don't do it often. I Love her with all that I am so I donb't say things to her that I don't mean anyway. Notice I used a capital there in the word "Love"? That's because I use capitals when I REALLY mean something. I tell her "I Love You" all the time on here but I don't think anybody, including her, knows the true meaning of that simple statement. Three words that mean the world in my eyes. I used to write poetry a lot. I still try but if you have to try, it wont come out right. I plan on getting back into my poetry before we get back into our old house so I know that it'll be there when we do get back. Poetry is important to me because it voices all that I feel in ways that usually confuse everybody else. My Deb even tries to understand it but to no avail. She's not a real artsy person. This blogging thing has been a way for me to express my life in words that keep me informed as to what's really going on in my life. I will be getting back to this as much as I can in the next few weeks. I'll try to keep you, my faithful readers, up on my life as it happens. Thanks for reading.

QotD: If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go? Why?

If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go? Why?

 

I think I'd like to go hang around the equator. I don't know where exactlly but not Africa. I wanna b warm. I wanna b able to enjoy the rain.