All day yesterday my wife kept offering sex. Normally I'ma jump on that offer like a dog on a bone. Yesterday, like a lot of days lately, I couldn't fathom the idea totally. I was tired, weak, uninterested. The night before I was so interested that I almost couldn't stand it and all she did was turn over and fall asleep. There seems to be a lotta days and nights like this anymor. I didn't hav any clue as to wat was goin on. Now I've figured it all out. We're totally out of sync. I get 2-4 hrs of sleep a night. I get to bed round 3 nd I'm up by 7, no later. Most days it's 6 or 6:30. I get up, hav a smoke in the bathroom to wake up nd then go out nd get dressed. I head for the living room nd my puter out there. I chat with a frend or 2 most of the morning till she gets up at 11 or so. By 1-2 I'm beat. I lay down nd take a 2-3 hr nap. All the while she's bitchin in her head that she misses me nd that I sleep too much nd ALL the time. I flirt online but it's just not the same as gettin hot nd heavy with the reality of my woman. We haven't gotten hot nd heavy in a long time. I suffer from ED a lot of times nd I don't kno why. After so many times of it occuring it just seems that it will never get up again nd I'm almost scared to death of trying because I just kno it aint gonna work. I kno that a good headjob will get it up enuff to get things going in the right direction because I haven't finished in that way in a very long time. It just gets things moving. The main reason I haven't finished in that way in so long is mainly because she refuses to even consider it as an option. It takes a while nd she gets tired of it after such a short time. Nothin I say can seem to convince her that it may be the only way to get wat she wants, which is screwed. She don't want anything to do with giving me head for ANY reason. Altho me giving her head is quite alright. Sex used to be very important to me but now it's just an inconvenience that I'm almost afraid to try because of ED. I've tried the drugs to help it but they seem to make me sicker than anything else so that's kinda out. I don't mind taking a pill to help with any problem as long as it actually helps but wen ur feeling like ur about to barf or ur blood pressure is so low u almost can't move, that makes it kinda hard to get interested in sex. I tell my shrink about it nd all he can say is that he'd try sumpin different. Like that'd help if I could get her to try ANYTHING different. Not happening. The only kink I hav is a fetish for skin. I love the way it feels nd the smell of it, fresh or even sweaty, it doesn't matter. It's just great stuff. She has no fetishes that I've ever bin able to distinguish. She just likes gettin that hole filled nd thas about it. I got news for her, thas not all there is to good sex. Tantric sex is awesome to me because it involves a lot of touching and caressing and licking and stuff. I try to get her interested in that but no go. I'm a very oral person too. I love to lick nd taste nd suck on all of her 2000 body parts. She doesn't hav the biggest tits but they'll deffinately do since they're the only ones I can get. I've taken to looking at porn to try nd get my interest up but that has never really bin all that interesting to me since the ladies in the pictures are just that, pictures. Porn can be a big turn on but if they're doing things that I keep feeling I'll never get to do again, wat's the point? It can't turn you on if you can't imagine you being able to do it too. I'm not a real big fantasy kinda guy. I can't imagine having sex with other women wen I'm in a commited relationship with sumbody. I do dream a LOT of having sex with all kinds of other women but mostly just my late wife because she was at least as interested in it as much as I was. She wasn't afraid to try new things either. She understood my oral fixation and my skin fetish. I can't even seem to get this woman into eating the same foods I'm interested in anymor. She always asks wat I want for dinner but every idea I hav just doesn't sound apetizing to her. We seem to hav totally come out of sync with each other. I try to get her to do things I like nd she keeps shooting me down. She's depressed because we hav no car to go anywhere nd so am I but I think if we try the things we CAN do at home it might help get us out of this funk. She doesn't agree. Of course not, that would mean effort on her part as well as mine. I'm willing but...... I spend a lotta days wondering if any of this is worth it anymor. Will we ever get bac in sync or will I get tired of trying and just say fuck it nd move on? She tells me she loves me all the time but I hav a very hard time believing that since there's no action to match the words. I tell her that I love her too but most days I dunno if I really feel it or it's just an autoresponce to needing sumone. I'm stuck in a dreary relationship that seems to be losing everything that ever made it real. I go thru all the motions of loving her. I get her coffee in the mornings. I fix her breakfast wen my bac isn't hurting so bad that I can't. I buy her things with money we don't hav just so she knos I remember that she's still sposed to be the love in my life. I kiss her wenever possible nd touch her or rub her body sumwhere just to let her kno I'm still here. I try to do all the little things that are sposed to be dun to keep the fire and interest in a relationship. At least I think I do them. It's all just a motion to keep myself in practice. There's no real spark or even a smolder in this life anymor. Sum days I just wanna die to get away from all the blah. There was a time in our relationship that I was hypersexual nd that didn't work out too well because her body decided to revolt and start bleeding uncontrollably. It was a very rough time for both of us. It was the beginning of our 7th yr together so I just put the disappointment up to the 7 yr itch. It's bin over 9 yrs now nd I'm getting tired of trying. I getting tired of doing. I'm getting tired of everything in my life. Is it all just me nd the fact that my life nd relationship has become stagnant or is it really a stopping point to try sumpin different? We're not married so there wont be a divorce to get me free of her because I got married once and I swore to myself that once was all there was going to be in my life. I married my soulmate nd she died on me. I always told her that was the only way of getting out of our marriage nd she took it. I don't think she did it on purpose but thas wat happened. Now, sum days, I want this one to die nd get out of my life so I can get on with a new life. Am I in a rutt nd thas all? Am I to blame for all of the boring in my life? Or am I a victim of all the things I see happening? Anybody that reads this really needs to giv me sum input. I haven't even written a poem in so long that I'm not sure I ever really had it in me in the first place. There's no love here anymor nd I need to kno if it's just me or if I'm just a fukn idiot. Talking to her doesn't work because she ses she doesn't see anything wrong with how things are. It's just a lull in our life together. We're getting used to each other. Is it?